


The Adventures of Dumb Bitch Cooper

by BergaraHoe (flannelfeelings)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crack, DB Cooper, Friendship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Muddy time travel rules, Platonic but can be romantic if u squint, Ryan is suspicious, Shane is DB Cooper, Shane is a time traveler, Slight pining, This Was Supposed To Be Crack What Happened, Time Travel, Wow that combo, buzzfeed unsolved - Freeform, crack with some angst, i guess?, kind of, not sad for sure, platonic shyan, ryan bergara - Freeform, shane madej - Freeform, shyan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 21:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19732552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannelfeelings/pseuds/BergaraHoe
Summary: Ryan discovers an interesting secret about his very tall friend.





	The Adventures of Dumb Bitch Cooper

**Author's Note:**

> Here's some Angst/Crack? The fuck
> 
> thanks Megass and Carl! I love both y'all
> 
> 4 THE CULT
> 
> (time travel rules are made up and nonsensical dont roast me its fiction)

A glass of whiskey, his best friend, and filming for a new episode of this cute little show. That was how Shane planned to spend this fine Monday morning.

He sat down happily beside Ryan, his short, handsome counterpart on “Unsolved.” The other man, while skittish by nature and a little insane, was a wonderful companion. Shane enjoyed his company more than he cared to admit. It was dangerous really, for him to get so attached to someone from this time period. He had his next heist planned for November, which gave him just a few months to enjoy this life and say goodbye. He didn’t want to say farewell to the life he’d built here over the past year or so, but it was time to move on. However, for now, he’d relish in the pleasantness of working with and knowing Ryan Bergara.

“On this week’s episode, we cover the largely debated and highly controversial case, of DB Cooper.” Ryan turned to Shane, “have you heard of this one?”

Shane was instantly frozen. While he’d known that it was a possibility they might cover something he’d done, given the nature of this show, this was the first time it had happened. Usually him not knowing of the case beforehand made this more fun, but right now, he wished he could’ve prepared.

“Shane?” Mark, from behind the camera, called his name, “you look awkward as hell. Fix your face man.”

Shane blinked rapidly, realizing his eyes were as wide as cheese plates, “Uh...can we do a retake?”

“You good man?” Ryan asked gently, and the concerned tone in his voice made Shane all the more guilty and uncomfortable.

“I’m fine,” Shane lied shakily, trying to hide how rattled he was by this new development.

He had to play it cool for one episode, and he could leave tonight, earlier than expected. There was a merchant ship in 1830s London that required his looting services, and he could make a life there for a few months before the heist.

“On this week’s episode, we cover the largely debated and highly controversial case, of DB Cooper.” Ryan repeated, turning to Shane once more, “have you heard of this one?”

“No!” Shane forced the word out, trying to make himself seem nonchalant, though he was sure he looked like an insane person. “What's DB stand for anyway? Dumb bitch Cooper?”

Ryan snorted out a laugh, “No, no he identified himself as Dan Cooper. They don’t know how the DB nickname even got started. Let’s go from the beginning…”

About halfway through the story, when Ryan got to the part about the possible BYU medallion being left on the plane, Shane scoffed, “That’s baloney.”

Ryan cocked an eyebrow up, laughing a little, “What makes you so sure?”

Shane swallowed hard, realizing he was a fucking idiot and probably shouldn’t be giving his opinions, “It’s just...I dunno this...sky phantom strikes me as a grown ass man. Not a college kid.”

Ryan wheezed out a quiet, “ _sky phantom_ …” then continued, laughing again, “You didn’t picture like a spring break scenario? Like, he jumps out of the plane, loses all the money and screams _spring breaaaak_!”

Shane spit the whiskey he’d been drinking back into his glass, choking on laughter. Ryan may be naive in regard to the origins of his best friend (who hadn’t been lying when he said he was born in Chicago...just...not in 1986) but he had such a wonderful sense of humor.

“I don’t think he lost the money,” Shane replied, figuring a few unassuming opinions couldn’t really hurt too much, “I think he just disappeared into the woods and lived fruitfully with the tribe from King Kong or something.”

Ryan rolled his eyes, “I think he was just a dumb thief who ended up impaling himself on a tree branch.”

Shane quirked his mouth upwards shyly, a little hurt at the “dumb” comment, but he knew Ryan wasn’t trying to attack him.

“So, where’d the money go then?” Shane pressed, interested to hear Ryan’s theories about his heist.

Shrugging, the dark-haired man pursed his lips, “I dunno. At first, he struck me as a big time kinda criminal...but the drop? The drop was so...lazy. I think the money just went flying, and aside from what was found at Tina Bar, maybe it was destroyed by the elements or picked up by hikers. “

Shane cocked an eyebrow up playfully, “or...did he plant the money at Tina Bar to make people think he’d been killed?”

“Oh shit,” Ryan’s eyes went wide as they tended to when he considered a new theory, “did you just solve it?”

Shane laughed, now fairly confident that Ryan had no idea there was anything suspicious here, “I don’t think so. You’re probably right, he threw himself into a pine and the money scattered.”

“You know,” Ryan said, pulling his phone out and opening up an image, “The police sketch is…” he held it up beside Shane’s face, brows rising, “ _wow._ ”

Shane was very quickly nervous again, “What?”

“The likeness,” Ryan squinted eyes darting from the photo to Shane’s face, as if comparing similarities, “I was joking about this at first but...you guys do really look alike. Got any uncles named Dan?”

Shane chuckled nervously, “I think all young white guys look the same to you.”

Ryan scoffed in faux offense, but eyed Shane a little longer, before closing the picture. He cleared his throat, and continued on with the story, while Shane nervously twirled his fingers in his lap. By the time they’d finished filming, Shane was ready to get out of there. He’d been somewhat amused with the content, but Ryan kept shooting him sidelong glances that made his skin crawl with anxiety.

He needed to leave tonight. This was too close of a call.

* * *

After work he headed back to his apartment, clattering around packing things. It was going to suck leaving his electronics behind, but he knew if he showed up in the 19th century with a cellphone, he’d be burned at the stake. It had taken him long enough to figure out how to use it, and he’d mastered time travel for crying out loud.

Just as he was stuffing the last pair of underwear in his pack, there was a knock on his door. He frowned; he wasn’t expecting anyone. He walked to the living room and peered out of the peephole to see...Ryan standing in the hall. Shane opened the door, revealing Ryan in sweats and a hoodie, arms crossed tensely. He seemed jittery, and unsure on his feet.

“Hey Ry, what’s up?” Shane asked casually. He told himself not to be worried; this wasn’t the first time Ryan had shown up unannounced.

“Going somewhere?” Ryan demanded, looking behind him into the apartment at the packed bags.

Shane glanced behind him, eyes zeroing in on where his time hopper was tucked safely underneath his suitcase. It was a small piece of machinery about the size of a car battery: but he still worried Ryan might spot it and wonder what it was.

“Nowhere special,” Shane replied tersely, angling his body to hide the apartment from Ryan’s view.

Ryan’s lip curled up, and he inhaled slowly, “Alright Shane, I’m gonna ask this one time. Don’t bullshit me, okay?”

“Okay Ryan.” Shane responded, frowning nervously.

“Are you DB Cooper?”

Shane choked on his spit, gasping and hacking at Ryan’s words. Though his entire body yearned to turn the other way and flit to his time hopper for an escape, he couldn’t let Ryan see. He forced out a laugh, “That’s a dumb joke Ryan.”

“It’s not a fucking joke,” Ryan opened up his phone again, showing Shane the police sketch, “this looks _just_ like you! I don’t know how the fuck you did it, but is this you?”

“Ryan I-”

Ryan shoved past Shane to get into the apartment, looking around wildly. He spotted Shane’s suitcase on the bed and started for it.

Shane couldn’t let him get to the time hopper. He lurched forward and grabbed Ryan’s leg, dragging him to the ground. Ryan’s face hit the floor with an _“oof!_ ” and he went down. Shane jumped over him to race to the bed, but cursed loudly as he felt Ryan’s hand wrap around his ankle, tripping him.

Ryan was on his feet before Shane, and reached the bed. He shoved the suitcase aside, and picked up the time hopper.

“What the fuck is this?!” he demanded, waving it around like a flare.

“Ryan,” Shane said carefully, getting to his feet, “be _careful_ with that.”

“Tell me what this is Shane! What the hell is going on?”

“Ryan, _please_ , put that down, you don’t know what you’re messing wi-”

“Shut up Shane! You’re always acting so fucking weird. You never let anyone get close to you. You never tell me about your life. You’re all of a sudden packing all your shit? Tell me what’s going on!”

“I will,” Shane promised, “just put that _down_.”

Ryan sighed, and went to set the hopper down on the bed. Unfortunately, before he could reach the comforter, there was a whir of energy, and Ryan disappeared into thin air.

“God damn it!” Shane screamed, grappling at the empty air, “damn it! Damn it! _No_!”

Ryan had just time-traveled. On accident. Completely unaware of the practices, completely unaware it even existed, and probably standing out in the open in another century holding a fucking time machine.

 _Okay Shane,_ he told himself worriedly, _you can fix this. You can fix this._

Except, this was unprecedented. Shane is the only one who’d ever used the machine. Creating it took years of complex, intricate and difficult programming and effort. It had taken everything he had to even figure out how to use it. There was no way Ryan was going to be able to get out of whenever he was. But Shane couldn’t just _build_ another one.

“Oh fuck,” he groaned out loud.

Suddenly, a voice from came behind him, “What the _fuck_ just happened?”

Shane whirled around on his heel, turning to face Ryan, who was standing there, sopping wet. He rushed forward, snatching the time hopper from his hands

. “How did you get back here?!” Shane cried out in disbelief.

Ryan scoffed, “I pushed the green button?”

Shane ran a hand through his hair in disbelief, “Oh.”

“What the fuck was that?” Ryan demanded, “I was in the apartment, and then all of a sudden I’m on a fucking pirate ship!”

“It’s not a pirate ship,” Shane grimaced, “it’s a merchant vessel, actually quite nice for that time period. It was my next destination.”

“Well they made me walk the fucking plank! If I hadn't pushed that button I’d be dead! What do you mean n _ext destination_?”

Shane sighed, “let me get you a towel.” he headed to the bathroom and grabbed a big red beach towel, bringing it back to the room where Ryan was shivering with seawater. He wrapped the shorter man in the bundle, rubbing his arms.

“Explain this.” Ryan insisted.

Shane inhaled slowly, preparing himself. It wasn’t like he could lie now. Ryan knew, Ryan had experienced it for himself.

“I’m a time traveler.” he said, “I make my living jumping from time period to time period, pillaging.”

Ryan’s face screwed up in utter disbelief, and if he hadn’t just returned from the Atlantic ocean, he’d probably tell Shane he was crazy.

“This is crazy.” Never-mind, he said it anyway.

“I know,” Shane replied, “I _know_ this is a lot. But please, you _can’t_ tell anyone.”

Ryan shook his head, wet hair dripping down his face, “Shane, how could you not tell me about this?”

“What was I supposed to say? H _ey there, I know I lied about who I am and started working with you, but I’m actually an ageless time traveler who jumps from different worlds and steals_?”

“Uh, _yeah_?!”

“Ryan, you wouldn’t have believed me."

“Wait, you’re ageless?”

“Side effect of time travel. I don’t stay in one place long enough to age.” Shane explained.

Ryan pursed his lips, frowning, “So...when are you...from? Like...actually from?”

“I was born in Chicago in 1925.”

“I… I need to sit down.” Ryan’s face had developed a green hue, and he stumbled over to sit on the edge of Shane’s bed.

Shane crossed the floor and sat beside him, patting his thighs nervously as he waited for Ryan to speak.

“So...why?” Ryan asked quietly, “Why not just..live out your life back then? How did this all come to be?”

Shane figured there was no reason to lie now, he’d be leaving after this conversation anyway. “I was married. I had a...I had a daughter. She got very sick.” he swallowed hard, “I was a scientist back then, but nothing could help her. I was desperate to find something to help my little girl. We had nothing back then,” he shook his head, blinking away the tears, “there was no technology advanced enough to help her. They called it cystic fibrosis. We knew next to nothing about it. My baby was suffering and I felt so _helpless_.”

Ryan’s eyes were soft as he watched Shane speak. Shane continued, “I became _obsessed_ with finding something to cure her. But I knew that couldn’t happen in 1950. I’d heard a few colleagues discussing the possibility of...time travel. It was crazy and ridiculous of course, but I was willing to try anything. I spent _hours_ and hours every day in the lab, trying to configure something that would work. I missed... _so_ much time with my daughter.” he wiped at his wet eyes, “when I finally figured it out, I made it to 2009. They still..still didn’t have anything to help her. I was desperate. I hopped even further, looking for something to help. But I couldn’t find anything.”

Ryan opened his mouth to say something, but Shane spoke once more, “by the time I made it back to our time, my daughter had died.”

“Shane, I’m so sorry.”

“At this point, I had nothing. My daughter was dead, my wife wouldn’t even speak to me, she resented me so much for not spending Leah’s final days with her. I had nowhere to go except...other centuries. Somewhere where my sorrow was unknown, and I could simply live without the freedom or commitment of a family. I couldn’t go through that pain again.”

Ryan shook his head, “Shane, that’s fucked up, I’m so sorry. But...is living your life as a thief really what you think is best?”

“It’s all I know now Ryan.”

“Then learn something new,” Ryan insisted, reaching over and taking Shane’s hands, “stay here, with me. We can figure this out together.”

“I can’t stay with you Ryan,” Shane wiped away his tears with his free hand, squeezing Ryan’s in his other, “I will age to my real self if I stay too long. And I’ll die within a year.”

Ryan looked at his feet, then met Shane’s eyes, seeming to make a decision, “Then take me with you.”

“ _What_?” Shane demanded incredulously.

“You’re my best friend Shane, I love you so much. I don’t want you to leave. Take me with you, and we can hop from time to time, and build something together.”

Shane was shaking his head before Ryan had even finished, “No, Ryan. You can’t leave your family, your friends. If you did this...you’d never see any of them again.”

“It’s okay,” Ryan responded softly, “they have each other. You have no one.”

Shane ran his fingers across Ryan’s cheek soothingly, “That’s _my_ fault, Ryan. I’m sorry that you had to find out about all this, I’m sorry I hurt you in the process. But I can’t take you with me, you belong here. Take it from someone who knows, running away? It’s not a way to live. Stay here, do the show, show the world what you can do. And maybe we’ll cross paths again, sometime.”

Shane got to his feet and grabbed the time hopper, clutching it to his chest, along with his suitcase.

“Wait,” Ryan stood too, tears in his eyes, “I don’t want you to go.”

Smiling, Shane leaned in and planted a soft kiss to his forehead, “Don’t worry, I’ll still be around. Just picture me in a gondola in France, pockets full of gold.”

Ryan gave him a shaky smile, “Okay. Hey Shane?”

“Yeah Ry?”

“I _knew_ you were DB Cooper.”

Shane laughed, blinking his own wet eyes quickly, “Yeah, you did. Good detective brain on you. I’ll see you around Ry.”

“See you Shane. Be safe.”

“Always am.”

Shane fiddled with a few buttons on the time hopper, and the room began vibrating. In a flash, he’d disappeared.

Moments later, Shane materialized on Tina Bar beach. The bright, cheerful familiar sounds of children laughing and families playing rang in his ears. He began trudging through the sand toward a familiar spot. He dropped to his knees and began digging.

After a few moments, he recovered a bag of money that was heavy with sand and it’s contents. He opened it up, revealing the full $5,000 he’d put there just a year before. He reached into his back pocket, pulling out a crumpled piece of loose leaf paper. Shane had come back to this time, knowing he wouldn’t ever return to meet Ryan. He couldn’t continue on having let the other man in on these secrets. If he went about as he planned to, Ryan and Shane would never cross paths. But that didn’t mean Shane would forget about the other man.

He stuffed the note into the bag, smirking as he did so. It wasn’t a guarantee, but he hoped someday, Ryan would study this case, and discover the note.

* * *

As it were, in the year 2017, Ryan Bergara was combing through hours of notes on the case of DB Cooper for his fledgling show _Buzzfeed Unsolved_ , featuring himself and his best friend Brent. He stumbled across an article about “ _the puzzling note.”_

“The most suspicious thing about the money discovered at Tina Bar,” he read out loud to himself, “was a note left by DB. Authorities have never discovered who the note is for, or what it means. It’s believed to be a message to an accomplice, however, the secret code has puzzled America for over 30 years.”

When Ryan’s eyes crossed over the photo of the note, they widened in confusion and intrigue.

**_See you around, RB. Thanks for everything._ **

**_-Love, DB._ **

**_(Sky Phantom)_ **

**Author's Note:**

> END SCENE EXPLAINED 
> 
> so Shane went back to the 70s to plant the note and then changed history, deciding to never go to the future to meet Ryan.  
> Everything throughout time still has to happen, Ryan still creates Unsolved and researches this case. Just a small nugget for Shane to smile.


End file.
